I have been fretting about how to write this for the past couple of days, not sure if I even wanted to broadcast it. Part of me just wants to slip away and not make a big deal about it, but as this is one of the difficult decisions I have had to make in years, I won't shy away from it.
Unless a job offer and an actual place to live begins to emerge in the next month, I will be moving back to Texas after February. I have been here in California for six years and 4 months. I have been couch/apt/floor-surfing/living in my car for the past 2 years and 8 months. I have had numerous little jobs and some of the most significant projects of my life in the interim, but I have also stayed with more friends that I can count- living on their floors or on their couches for anywhere from a couple of days to nearly 6 months at a time. I can never thank these people enough, but I am also running out of friends to ask. That, combined with the stress of not having a place to call my own, has brought me to the very unenviable position of having to consider going back to Texas. And believe me when I say, it is the very last thing in the world that I want. I love my family and friends there, but California is my home. I love it here more than I can possible say.
While I do not believe that Texas will be much better, the cost of living may enable me to survive while I still try to break into this frustrating but beloved industry of Animation. (It really is like being in an abusive relationship or something.... It beats me down to nothing and yet still, it is all I want.) I will have to find a place to live there as well, and somehow get myself there. No clue how that can be accomplished. Trying not to think about that just yet. Just trying to apply to absolutely everything I can until then and make sure I have a place to sleep.
Why am I telling all of you this? Because it is part of this crazy dream that started back in Texas, hell, maybe even in Baton Rouge... My blog is called "Making Dreams Come True" and like any really good story, I think I may be in the part generally referred to as "Dark Night of the Soul". (Thanks, Robert McKee.... *eye roll*) I have to hit bottom before the hero of the story can rise up and get their deepest desire/goal. I just wish mine didn't involve having to leave California. I would almost rather be actually LIVING in my car like a homeless person rather than leave. It was SO HARD to get out the first time. It took me YEARS of scrapping money together and taking jobs that I hated to get more money to buy that one-way plane ticket. Going back to that will hurt more than I can even handle right now.
At least here, I thought I was moving in the right direction. I completed an animation test recently for a small independent studio position as an inbetweener, and was even offered the job before I was informed that it was an unpaid internship. That hurt pretty deeply. I thought I was so close.
SO! Though I am a bit of a broken woman right now, I will continue to draw, I will continue to animate. Hell, maybe I will even finally make that crowd-funding video to try to finish my third and fourth year films. I am not giving up... just giving in. And secretly hoping that in less than a month I will be able to look back on this post and think, "Damn! So glad I dodged THAT bullet!" (The sign of an eternal optimist, yes?) I don't tell you all all of this for sympathy. I don't want sympathy. Hell, if anything- send me job openings to apply for, not condolences.
Wish me luck. Here's hoping.