Friday, November 15, 2013


Sometimes I wonder about whether or not I should post my thoughts on this blog... Everyone I go to school with has a blog... most just post artwork. They never say anything. Now, I ain't sayin' that I have truly intense, moving, powerful, or truly though-provoking things to say... but I have thoughts and feelings and those inform my art, so they are an important part, right?

I have recently been having problems in that- I no longer feel like I have a "life". Yeah, check out that quote on the top of my blog. "Animation is about creating the illusion of life. And you can't create it if you don't have one." That is starting to concern me. I have no life.

I don't mean some sort of unattainable, unrealistic version of a life, involving traveling the world and eating baby rabbit, dipped in duck's tears, after nailing it to the garden roof and getting to work with the blow torch so it has just the right texture to match the squash you made that morning using just your elbows... I'm not saying that! I mean the kind of life where- I have WEEKENDS! Like one a month! Maybe a vacation every two years or something. A week off, or a holiday where I am not still holed up somewhere working- ALONE! A life where I have friends and SEE THEM REGULARLY! Where Facebook isn't so much a place where I see all my friends are having lives and enjoying them, but more a "oh yeah... look what so-and-so and I did last week! That was great..."- is that SO much to ask?

I dunno. Maybe it is. Maybe I am making this out to be bigger than it is. Honestly, Facebook is the devil. But when I leave campus, even for a few hours!, and suddenly feel like a "real human", something is wrong! Something is seriously wrong when I feel normal doing menial things like... driving. Or having lunch with a girlfriend- NOT in the Caf.

I want to live again. I want to not feel so... run down all the time. Both physically and creatively. I want to find that lively, vivacious woman that I know is deep somewhere, trapped in all the stress and anxieties of my fourth and final year at CalArts.

Also, I want a cat.


  1. Just want to note that I felt exactly the same way at my last college. It's nothing I could have changed, just my situation out there required I not have any time. Based on how much you work around campus, I'm assuming you're in basically the same boat. There's probably not much you could be doing without overextending yourself and causing all aspects of your life to suffer.

    So. For now, at least, carry on and just hope that it gets better wherever you end up next. It has for me, my abundance of college experience has allowed me to figure out scheduling free time, and I feel much liberated. Perhaps you will feel the same once you get a job somewhere outside of CalArts.

    The only fool-proof way to ensure this happens is to just want it to happen. If you want it enough, you'll find a way.

  2. The problem is, I think I am already over-extended. Hence, I am suffering.