Monday, August 3, 2009

Troubled, Worried Thoughts

I am so conflicted lately.

I know no one really reads this- this is almost more just for me to put it down somewhere and try to get all of this out of my head... Otherwise, I think I might go crazy.

All I can think about is school, art, school, art, school, and art... Also, my mind seems to finally be starting to wake up from it's hibernation. (This would be almost 3 years now it's been asleep.) My mind is starting to perk up in the late hours of the night/ early hours of the morning- the time back in high school that I was MOST active with my art.... When I got all my good ideas, when I did my best work. To be possibly coming back into that is a thrill I cannot even begin to describe. It almost gives me hope that should I be accepted to a school- yes, at this point I am not even just saying one in particular- that I may perhaps fulfill what I will need to do. I am so completely aware of the amount of work that will be expected of me. And though I relish the idea of it- of working on something that ISN'T my job- I worry that I may be getting too old to do it with the zeal of my younger days and fellow artists.

But I am also struggling with this whole concept of style and where I am going with my work. It's like- one minute, I will be so completely THRILLED at something I've drawn, then the next second, it seems, I am back in the dark, wondering what the hell went wrong between the drawings... I like some of the experiments I've been doing, but also it kind of feels like it's not "me". Like maybe I am trying too hard to do something else. I dunno... I'm also bored with the "classical" work I've been doing. Like- "Oh, okay- ANYONE could have done THAT! How blasé!" And yet- this is the kind of stuff that back in high school I would have given up my LEFT HAND FOR!

Have I perhaps come that far? Or have I not moved an inch? What am I doing? Where am I going with all of this? What is it that I am trying to say?

Or do I truly have anything worth saying at all?

Again- as no one truly reads this journal, as of yet, these questions are more for me. To try to understand myself and my work, what I am trying to do and where I am trying to go with it. They are questions that MUST be answered before I jump into that void, otherwise I am lost to the blackness.

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