Re: College Admissions Scandal

I feel much more comfortable voicing my opinions here on my own blog than I do on Facebook- go figure!

I've been half-following the college admissions scandal going on lately, called Operation Varsity Blues, and I have had thoughts. Part of me is simply shocked that people are trying to cheat their way into schools. Is UCLA, USC, or any other school mentioned in the scandal really worth all this? Is it so hard to get into college in California? As a non-native, I truly don't know. I do seem to recall though that parents out here seem to worry very much about what schools their kids go to here for high school or middle school, but it seems even as early as elementary school and PRE-SCHOOL! (Anyone who actually knows about this stuff, please enlighten me?)

I recall we had one student who cheated their way into CalArts Character Animation my year, and as much as I STILL believe it was the most atrocious decision on their part, I could understand in a small way. The acceptance rate at CalArts for the CharAnim program was lower than Harvard AND Yale! (And that was before applications were made available online- the percentage must be minuscule at this point. I honestly do not believe that if I applied today that I would be accepted.) I believe that I recall my animation teacher telling us on our first class on the first day of school to look at our chairs. For every one of us sitting in those chairs, there were NINE students who would've killed us for that spot. That made me feel both amazingly good and incredibly humble. I remember that I wanted to be WORTHY of that chair!

My main thought though through this whole scandal is: I feel unbelievably honored to have been accepted nine years ago. My parents had no money. We still don't. By that logic- I got accepted by my talent. I had no name to attach to my application. I had no recommendation. I applied- got rejected. Applied again- got accepted. I sometimes think about how quickly I got my acceptance letter. I was one of the first on the AnimatedBuzz.com forums to get a letter, the same way I had been one of the first to get a rejection letter the year before. My head says that the first portfolio I sent in was so bad that they didn't have to debate it. I was an "easy decision". That thought hurt. But- to be one of the first to get an acceptance letter... THAT made me think that perhaps I was good enough that they had no doubts about me. That felt pretty darn good.

Perhaps I am over-thinking it, as I often do. That's just who I am. But even with that very nice feeling, I never let that get to me. I fought every day at CalArts to be worthy. I discovered once I got there that any ideas I may have had of being "so good" that they accepted me immediately were completely unfounded. The talent pool at CalArts was devastating! I can still name classmates who routinely kicked my tail in every assignment. I wanted their camaraderie and the competition. THEY INSPIRED ME TO BE BETTER!

I feel for these kids wrapped up in this scandal. The news reported that many of them had NO IDEA that their parents had done this to them. Try to imagine being at this university: enrolled in classes, making friends, and suddenly- NO MATTER HOW HARD YOU ARE WORKING- your very presence is questioned. Your achievements, your grades- suddenly none of that matters. Now perhaps these kids are too desensitized to feel these feelings. They've had it good most of- if not ALL of- their lives. Money is barely a consideration to them. I tried to imagine if it were me. If my parents had somehow paid to get me into a school, and my immediate solution was to drop out of school. Regardless of the fact that I hadn't done anything wrong, I would not be able to bear the looks and judgments of my classmates. I would immediately start looking into applying to the same school again the next term, or applying to another school altogether- and WITHOUT my parents' knowledge. I would never want their help again.

Then I remember that this is me. My history and my life influenced that idea. I would be very curious to know what happens to these students-- what decisions they make in their future.

Animating on Rainy Days

UHG! The aggravation of finding a mistake in your animation that could EASILY be fixed in a computer program (i.e.: cheating) but on paper means that you basically have to reanimate half the scene!


Oh well! I do it anyway!

In other news, since starting from the beginning all over again with the basic ball bounce, I find myself making what I consider "rookie mistakes". They truly annoy the heck outta me! But instead of letting them shut me down and give me an excuse to give up for the day, I keep pushing through. I keep going. I am absolutely determined to learn from them and therefore- NOT MAKE THEM AGAIN!

All of this is just a beautiful reminder to me that I still feel like I have so much to learn. It is extremely humbling. And that's probably a good thing. So long as I don't start getting down on myself. And if I should start to doubt myself or my abilities again, I will simply plug in some of the animation I have done (the Simpsons couch gag or my brief work on Hullabaloo). I CAN animate. Just still have enough to learn. I am a draughtsman. I am a journeyman. Well.... Draughtswoman and journeywoman.

I'm cool with that!

Changes are coming...

I realize I have been very quiet here lately. In part, I have not had a lot to say. When your life consists of work-work-work in order to pay bills and not a lot of arting is happening in your life, there's not really a reason to bother people. That very sentence though is wrong. (Can you spot the problem?)

"Happening".

Art doesn't just HAPPEN. You have to MAKE IT! This is something I have been dealing with for a very long time, and very very slowly I have come to a lot of realizations about my life and my place in the art world.

In all honesty, when I truly examined myself recently- I started to see that I was beginning to harbor some very dangerous thoughts and feelings. Feelings of resentment. Feelings of failure, and self-doubt, and the feeling that I was "cheated" somehow. These are all VERY dangerous feelings. If left unchecked, they could turn to bitter resentment. This is something that I DO. NOT. WANT! So I am fighting. I am fighting myself. I am fighting my thoughts. I am fighting for myself. And I will win. Because I have to.

I mentioned that changes were coming- well, changes have technically already begun. It started with a slight redecoration. I used to have a wall of postcards from friends in my room. It completely covered a huge segment of wall directly behind my computer screen. I LOVE postcards! I love getting mail! And every single one of those cards was from a friend who cared enough to send one- from so many corners of this beautiful globe!



There was just one small problem with this wall. After the initial thrill of getting one in the mail, once it was on the wall it started to feel more like a reminder of all the places I have never been able to visit. Traveling is something I have wanted to do my entire life. (To tell another little secret of life, traveling is one of the things that drew me to animation. When I would watch the old "Making Of" features on my favorite DVDs, I always loved the segments where the crew would talk about the trips they went on for inspiration on the films. My dream was to one day BE on one of those trips!) My family didn't travel much because of money. I guess the postcards were a way for me to live vicariously through my friends. But the negative feelings that emanated from that wall became unbearable.

So I tore it down.



Instead, I have started putting up inspirational art, drawings, sayings, and anything else I can find. A lot of these things actually date from my time at CalArts- stuff I used to have hanging in my cube. I still have some things from friends and family to remind me that I am loved.

That is just one of the changes. The second is that I have drawn practically every day since. I think I missed only one or two. It doesn't even matter if it's any "good" or not! But I will draw! I even drew while working at the Annie's this year- my fifth visit there. And the last three days have been the best yet. I have animated every day for the last three days. It's nothing special. I am literally going back to basics. I don't even care. I am refreshing my memory, I am rebuilding my skills, and I will go forward. I don't care what anyone thinks of me. I don't care if my classmates who graduated with me think that this is remedial, I don't care if kids 10+ years younger than me think it's stupid- this isn't about you. It's about me. And I am doing what I think I need to in order to get myself back to where I could be.

Another realization that came to me recently-- and this one is the worst-- is that there is NO ONE for me to blame for me being situated as I am. No one. The only one who has control over my life is Me. People love to try to blame someone else- ANYONE ELSE- for the things that have "happened" to them in their life, but really-- isn't it kind of their fault for not standing up and saying, "You know what? I don't really like this! I need to change that!". And THIS is why it is so hard to come to this realization: because the only one who WILL change it is me. ~I~ have to stop living and working myself to the bone on things that DO NOT MATTER and never drawing. ~I~ have to draw my hands off. ~I~ have to put together a reel to apply for the jobs I want. No one else will ever do that for me. No job will ever just MAGICALLY fall into my lap. (Perhaps at one point in my life they did- when I was very young... but not in THIS industry!)

I will admit, a very small sliver of me is panicked that people in the industry will read this and think less of me, but-- I have fallen so far from the industry at this point, I feel like I am starting all over again. I feel a little reborn. Granted, I need to find the tenacity and the motivation I had ten years ago to get my butt in gear, but-- I feel like the journey has started.