Re: College Admissions Scandal

I feel much more comfortable voicing my opinions here on my own blog than I do on Facebook- go figure!

I've been half-following the college admissions scandal going on lately, called Operation Varsity Blues, and I have had thoughts. Part of me is simply shocked that people are trying to cheat their way into schools. Is UCLA, USC, or any other school mentioned in the scandal really worth all this? Is it so hard to get into college in California? As a non-native, I truly don't know. I do seem to recall though that parents out here seem to worry very much about what schools their kids go to here for high school or middle school, but it seems even as early as elementary school and PRE-SCHOOL! (Anyone who actually knows about this stuff, please enlighten me?)

I recall we had one student who cheated their way into CalArts Character Animation my year, and as much as I STILL believe it was the most atrocious decision on their part, I could understand in a small way. The acceptance rate at CalArts for the CharAnim program was lower than Harvard AND Yale! (And that was before applications were made available online- the percentage must be minuscule at this point. I honestly do not believe that if I applied today that I would be accepted.) I believe that I recall my animation teacher telling us on our first class on the first day of school to look at our chairs. For every one of us sitting in those chairs, there were NINE students who would've killed us for that spot. That made me feel both amazingly good and incredibly humble. I remember that I wanted to be WORTHY of that chair!

My main thought though through this whole scandal is: I feel unbelievably honored to have been accepted nine years ago. My parents had no money. We still don't. By that logic- I got accepted by my talent. I had no name to attach to my application. I had no recommendation. I applied- got rejected. Applied again- got accepted. I sometimes think about how quickly I got my acceptance letter. I was one of the first on the AnimatedBuzz.com forums to get a letter, the same way I had been one of the first to get a rejection letter the year before. My head says that the first portfolio I sent in was so bad that they didn't have to debate it. I was an "easy decision". That thought hurt. But- to be one of the first to get an acceptance letter... THAT made me think that perhaps I was good enough that they had no doubts about me. That felt pretty darn good.

Perhaps I am over-thinking it, as I often do. That's just who I am. But even with that very nice feeling, I never let that get to me. I fought every day at CalArts to be worthy. I discovered once I got there that any ideas I may have had of being "so good" that they accepted me immediately were completely unfounded. The talent pool at CalArts was devastating! I can still name classmates who routinely kicked my tail in every assignment. I wanted their camaraderie and the competition. THEY INSPIRED ME TO BE BETTER!

I feel for these kids wrapped up in this scandal. The news reported that many of them had NO IDEA that their parents had done this to them. Try to imagine being at this university: enrolled in classes, making friends, and suddenly- NO MATTER HOW HARD YOU ARE WORKING- your very presence is questioned. Your achievements, your grades- suddenly none of that matters. Now perhaps these kids are too desensitized to feel these feelings. They've had it good most of- if not ALL of- their lives. Money is barely a consideration to them. I tried to imagine if it were me. If my parents had somehow paid to get me into a school, and my immediate solution was to drop out of school. Regardless of the fact that I hadn't done anything wrong, I would not be able to bear the looks and judgments of my classmates. I would immediately start looking into applying to the same school again the next term, or applying to another school altogether- and WITHOUT my parents' knowledge. I would never want their help again.

Then I remember that this is me. My history and my life influenced that idea. I would be very curious to know what happens to these students-- what decisions they make in their future.

Animating on Rainy Days

UHG! The aggravation of finding a mistake in your animation that could EASILY be fixed in a computer program (i.e.: cheating) but on paper means that you basically have to reanimate half the scene!


Oh well! I do it anyway!

In other news, since starting from the beginning all over again with the basic ball bounce, I find myself making what I consider "rookie mistakes". They truly annoy the heck outta me! But instead of letting them shut me down and give me an excuse to give up for the day, I keep pushing through. I keep going. I am absolutely determined to learn from them and therefore- NOT MAKE THEM AGAIN!

All of this is just a beautiful reminder to me that I still feel like I have so much to learn. It is extremely humbling. And that's probably a good thing. So long as I don't start getting down on myself. And if I should start to doubt myself or my abilities again, I will simply plug in some of the animation I have done (the Simpsons couch gag or my brief work on Hullabaloo). I CAN animate. Just still have enough to learn. I am a draughtsman. I am a journeyman. Well.... Draughtswoman and journeywoman.

I'm cool with that!

Changes are coming...

I realize I have been very quiet here lately. In part, I have not had a lot to say. When your life consists of work-work-work in order to pay bills and not a lot of arting is happening in your life, there's not really a reason to bother people. That very sentence though is wrong. (Can you spot the problem?)

"Happening".

Art doesn't just HAPPEN. You have to MAKE IT! This is something I have been dealing with for a very long time, and very very slowly I have come to a lot of realizations about my life and my place in the art world.

In all honesty, when I truly examined myself recently- I started to see that I was beginning to harbor some very dangerous thoughts and feelings. Feelings of resentment. Feelings of failure, and self-doubt, and the feeling that I was "cheated" somehow. These are all VERY dangerous feelings. If left unchecked, they could turn to bitter resentment. This is something that I DO. NOT. WANT! So I am fighting. I am fighting myself. I am fighting my thoughts. I am fighting for myself. And I will win. Because I have to.

I mentioned that changes were coming- well, changes have technically already begun. It started with a slight redecoration. I used to have a wall of postcards from friends in my room. It completely covered a huge segment of wall directly behind my computer screen. I LOVE postcards! I love getting mail! And every single one of those cards was from a friend who cared enough to send one- from so many corners of this beautiful globe!



There was just one small problem with this wall. After the initial thrill of getting one in the mail, once it was on the wall it started to feel more like a reminder of all the places I have never been able to visit. Traveling is something I have wanted to do my entire life. (To tell another little secret of life, traveling is one of the things that drew me to animation. When I would watch the old "Making Of" features on my favorite DVDs, I always loved the segments where the crew would talk about the trips they went on for inspiration on the films. My dream was to one day BE on one of those trips!) My family didn't travel much because of money. I guess the postcards were a way for me to live vicariously through my friends. But the negative feelings that emanated from that wall became unbearable.

So I tore it down.



Instead, I have started putting up inspirational art, drawings, sayings, and anything else I can find. A lot of these things actually date from my time at CalArts- stuff I used to have hanging in my cube. I still have some things from friends and family to remind me that I am loved.

That is just one of the changes. The second is that I have drawn practically every day since. I think I missed only one or two. It doesn't even matter if it's any "good" or not! But I will draw! I even drew while working at the Annie's this year- my fifth visit there. And the last three days have been the best yet. I have animated every day for the last three days. It's nothing special. I am literally going back to basics. I don't even care. I am refreshing my memory, I am rebuilding my skills, and I will go forward. I don't care what anyone thinks of me. I don't care if my classmates who graduated with me think that this is remedial, I don't care if kids 10+ years younger than me think it's stupid- this isn't about you. It's about me. And I am doing what I think I need to in order to get myself back to where I could be.

Another realization that came to me recently-- and this one is the worst-- is that there is NO ONE for me to blame for me being situated as I am. No one. The only one who has control over my life is Me. People love to try to blame someone else- ANYONE ELSE- for the things that have "happened" to them in their life, but really-- isn't it kind of their fault for not standing up and saying, "You know what? I don't really like this! I need to change that!". And THIS is why it is so hard to come to this realization: because the only one who WILL change it is me. ~I~ have to stop living and working myself to the bone on things that DO NOT MATTER and never drawing. ~I~ have to draw my hands off. ~I~ have to put together a reel to apply for the jobs I want. No one else will ever do that for me. No job will ever just MAGICALLY fall into my lap. (Perhaps at one point in my life they did- when I was very young... but not in THIS industry!)

I will admit, a very small sliver of me is panicked that people in the industry will read this and think less of me, but-- I have fallen so far from the industry at this point, I feel like I am starting all over again. I feel a little reborn. Granted, I need to find the tenacity and the motivation I had ten years ago to get my butt in gear, but-- I feel like the journey has started.

Something has Awakened!

(Well, it's Halloween- why SHOULDN'T something raise from the grave?!)

That's right, kiddies! We're back! After 51 weeks, the blog is back and Amanda is too.

I've been thinking about it for several weeks actually, but it wasn't until a text conversation with a friend (and a hero of sorts- though I would never admit it to them!) yesterday made me really think about my situation, where I am, where I want to go, and all things included in that jumble of stuff.

Full disclosure: I work at Target. I have since April. I did not mention it anywhere on my social media for fear of being judged. Because I was afraid of what you all might think of me. Because of what ~I~ think of me. I work in the online shipping department, packing up and mailing out every online order that passes through my store. Lately, this number has grown to over 1000 orders a day (very possibly more, as I am a mere minion in the corporation, and they do not share that information with me). The number is expected to rise to over 2500 orders A DAY in the fourth quarter (read: NOW!). When I first started the job, I actually enjoyed it. It was Hard Work, but it was in the company of some great coworkers and we used to have a lot of fun. That has changed drastically with the unrealistic expectations and unsafe working conditions I have been exposed to in the last six months. I have suffered injuries and I am in a near constant state of pain due to the wear and tear on my body. I clock well over the "average" 10,000 steps a day. I have lost enough weight that none of my pants fit anymore. In fact, I believe I may be smaller now than when I moved to California 8 years ago.

I no longer like this job. I dread going every morning. I work a 4 AM - 12:30 PM shift. This job has strangely taken over my entire life, even though I have more free time than I did when I commuted every day to Torrance. But my "free time" is spent trying to rest and heal my body. (Even drawing for 15 minutes every day during Inktober was rough.) Then, we were pulled into a team meeting today where we were basically told that, as a department, we are FAILING every day. A failing I actually take fairly personally, as I tend to have great pride in my work- no matter what or how menial it may be. I don't like failing. I don't like missing deadlines. But I also don't like the fact that the job being asked of me seems absolutely impossible. An unrealistic expectation. (For those of you who like math: We have 3 'packers' (people who wrap the orders). If we have 1200 orders per day, that is 400 packages we are expected to wrap alone. We work roughly 7 hours a day. That comes out to about 57 boxes or packages an hour. That's about a minute a package. NOW DOUBLE THE PACKAGES. THAT is the time expected for us to wrap the boxes for Christmas. Then corporate tells us that we are OVERSTAFFED!)

Today, a new coworker of mine, while watching me stack boxes taller than I can almost reach, commented that he's never seen a harder worker- and when he asked me later if I would be trying for the captain position coming up in our department, I (without hesitation) replied, "No!". I don't want it. It is the wrong direction. It is the clear opposite direction from which I wish to go. I came here for Animation - I am staying here until I get it! (Unless I were to get some offer from Ireland or Portland or whatever- then I'm out of here! XDDDD )

But the conversation with my friend reminded me of something I have known for a long time. My Life will never improve unless I Do Something! The Dream Job will not fall out of the sky and land at my feet and make everything all better! I have to sacrifice. I have to be pro-active. I have to get off my @$$!

I've known this since CalArts. I've known it since before CalArts. It is one of my biggest failings as an artist and human being. But no more. Somehow I will revive that Amanda from before California, before CalArts. The one who sacrificed everything to come here and chase this dream. The one who drove over an hour every week to go to life drawing to improve. The Amanda who got up at the crack of dawn on weekends to drive to the zoo and draw the animals before the Houston heat burned her alive. The Amanda who, when she was rejected from CalArts, instead of crying and giving up- cried and then got back to work. The one who used the notes on her rejected portfolio to work on every single note and improve. The Amanda who worked four jobs to keep herself in school. The Amanda who wanted it so badly she gave up her friends, family, and most of her possessions.

Yes, I am a hard worker. Sadly, you could probably ask almost anybody and get that answer. For a while, it even defined me so much at CalArts that other departments and offices called me when they needed someone. But here I have a sour taste in my mouth... While I WAS a hard worker, I worked too hard on the things that WEREN'T helping me get my dream. And perhaps my dream has suffered for this...

I feel clearer now on what I want and the direction of my dream than I did then. But just like Tiana and Charlotte said and how The Princess and the Frog proved: It's not JUST dreaming or JUST working that will achieve that dream. It needs to be a little of both. The dreaming I've got down pat. Somehow I just need to get back to the work. The carpal tunnel may hold me back a little, but I will find a way. The pains in my body are gonna have to sort themselves out. It's time to get down to business ((stifles the urge to sing)), knuckle down and work hard - the Right kind of work. I hope you all will follow my on the journey.

The Nail

"We interrupt our regularly scheduled nightly reading to bring you this important Blog Announcement..."

I've been thinking about this for a while, I think it's just time to call it what it is.

I am officially abandoning this blog. I've been failing spectacularly to do it for years now, I guess. I have no following to speak of, and I don't update it at all anymore, and it just feels like a stone dragging me down at this point... I'm not even sure blogs are a thing anymore. I feel like a relic from a by-gone era. I feel out of sync.

To tell you the complete truth, my few faithful followers still reading this, I no longer feel like an artist anymore.

I've tried to fight it and attempt to keep up, but I just can't. I can't keep lying to myself. I cannot find the time or energy to even draw a doodle, a sketch- nothing. This Inktober kind of really put things in perspective. I failed more than even I can believe.

So, thank you to my few followers. I am sorry if I let you down. While that is probably not accurate- the truth is, I let myself down. Now I just have to figure out what to do with the rest of my life. And how to use Twitter and Instagram, or what the hell a Tumblr is...haha

RIP Amanda Candler's Blog: Feb. 22, 2009 - Nov. 9, 2017

"We now return to our irregular sleep schedule."

Dark Night of the Soul

I'll try to keep this brief, without too much detail, but-

All that stuff about how a character has to go through the "dark night of the soul" in order to come out on top and have a true victory at the end of a film- it's complete crap when it's your actual LIFE! I've seen characters in so many stories and films that suffer these scenes, you know? Those Oscar-clip moments where they break down and sob and reaffirm their determination of seeing something through- of going for that dream.

It's all complete crap when it actually happens to you- because it doesn't last for only a scene. It doesn't last for only a few painful minutes with a killer score. And the crying is not a beautifully lit moment- it is UGLY. It is painful. It is the WORST!

And let me tell you- you don't ALWAYS end up wanting to reaffirm your desire to continue trying for that dream. Sometimes that dream beats you up so much that you actually start to think maybe you should give up. Maybe you won't make it. Maybe your whole pursuit of this dream was an utter waste. Maybe it was the single worst decision in your life. Maybe this whole dream thing has irrevocably destroyed the rest of your life...

But they don't make films about the people who give up, do they? I leave the answers to you.

Unlike Taylor Swift, I'm not dead...

Just busy.

But I just HAD to come and share the announcement! I have been published!

A local author who happens to be a friend of mine asked me to design the cover illustration for his new book- and it came out today! I am beyond honored and he has been very happy with the result. So much so that he had the original framed and hanging up in his apartment less than 24 hours fter he had it in his hot little hands! XD

Please help support the author and purchase the book. It is a great read and was a real page-turner for me!