Sunday, February 17, 2019
Animating on Rainy Days
UHG! The aggravation of finding a mistake in your animation that could EASILY be fixed in a computer program (i.e.: cheating) but on paper means that you basically have to reanimate half the scene!
Oh well! I do it anyway!
In other news, since starting from the beginning all over again with the basic ball bounce, I find myself making what I consider "rookie mistakes". They truly annoy the heck outta me! But instead of letting them shut me down and give me an excuse to give up for the day, I keep pushing through. I keep going. I am absolutely determined to learn from them and therefore- NOT MAKE THEM AGAIN!
All of this is just a beautiful reminder to me that I still feel like I have so much to learn. It is extremely humbling. And that's probably a good thing. So long as I don't start getting down on myself. And if I should start to doubt myself or my abilities again, I will simply plug in some of the animation I have done (the Simpsons couch gag or my brief work on Hullabaloo). I CAN animate. Just still have enough to learn. I am a draughtsman. I am a journeyman. Well.... Draughtswoman and journeywoman.
I'm cool with that!
Wednesday, February 6, 2019
Changes are coming...
I realize I have been very quiet here lately. In part, I have not had a lot to say. When your life consists of work-work-work in order to pay bills and not a lot of arting is happening in your life, there's not really a reason to bother people. That very sentence though is wrong. (Can you spot the problem?)
"Happening".
Art doesn't just HAPPEN. You have to MAKE IT! This is something I have been dealing with for a very long time, and very very slowly I have come to a lot of realizations about my life and my place in the art world.
In all honesty, when I truly examined myself recently- I started to see that I was beginning to harbor some very dangerous thoughts and feelings. Feelings of resentment. Feelings of failure, and self-doubt, and the feeling that I was "cheated" somehow. These are all VERY dangerous feelings. If left unchecked, they could turn to bitter resentment. This is something that I DO. NOT. WANT! So I am fighting. I am fighting myself. I am fighting my thoughts. I am fighting for myself. And I will win. Because I have to.
I mentioned that changes were coming- well, changes have technically already begun. It started with a slight redecoration. I used to have a wall of postcards from friends in my room. It completely covered a huge segment of wall directly behind my computer screen. I LOVE postcards! I love getting mail! And every single one of those cards was from a friend who cared enough to send one- from so many corners of this beautiful globe!
There was just one small problem with this wall. After the initial thrill of getting one in the mail, once it was on the wall it started to feel more like a reminder of all the places I have never been able to visit. Traveling is something I have wanted to do my entire life. (To tell another little secret of life, traveling is one of the things that drew me to animation. When I would watch the old "Making Of" features on my favorite DVDs, I always loved the segments where the crew would talk about the trips they went on for inspiration on the films. My dream was to one day BE on one of those trips!) My family didn't travel much because of money. I guess the postcards were a way for me to live vicariously through my friends. But the negative feelings that emanated from that wall became unbearable.
So I tore it down.
Instead, I have started putting up inspirational art, drawings, sayings, and anything else I can find. A lot of these things actually date from my time at CalArts- stuff I used to have hanging in my cube. I still have some things from friends and family to remind me that I am loved.
That is just one of the changes. The second is that I have drawn practically every day since. I think I missed only one or two. It doesn't even matter if it's any "good" or not! But I will draw! I even drew while working at the Annie's this year- my fifth visit there. And the last three days have been the best yet. I have animated every day for the last three days. It's nothing special. I am literally going back to basics. I don't even care. I am refreshing my memory, I am rebuilding my skills, and I will go forward. I don't care what anyone thinks of me. I don't care if my classmates who graduated with me think that this is remedial, I don't care if kids 10+ years younger than me think it's stupid- this isn't about you. It's about me. And I am doing what I think I need to in order to get myself back to where I could be.
Another realization that came to me recently-- and this one is the worst-- is that there is NO ONE for me to blame for me being situated as I am. No one. The only one who has control over my life is Me. People love to try to blame someone else- ANYONE ELSE- for the things that have "happened" to them in their life, but really-- isn't it kind of their fault for not standing up and saying, "You know what? I don't really like this! I need to change that!". And THIS is why it is so hard to come to this realization: because the only one who WILL change it is me. ~I~ have to stop living and working myself to the bone on things that DO NOT MATTER and never drawing. ~I~ have to draw my hands off. ~I~ have to put together a reel to apply for the jobs I want. No one else will ever do that for me. No job will ever just MAGICALLY fall into my lap. (Perhaps at one point in my life they did- when I was very young... but not in THIS industry!)
I will admit, a very small sliver of me is panicked that people in the industry will read this and think less of me, but-- I have fallen so far from the industry at this point, I feel like I am starting all over again. I feel a little reborn. Granted, I need to find the tenacity and the motivation I had ten years ago to get my butt in gear, but-- I feel like the journey has started.
"Happening".
Art doesn't just HAPPEN. You have to MAKE IT! This is something I have been dealing with for a very long time, and very very slowly I have come to a lot of realizations about my life and my place in the art world.
In all honesty, when I truly examined myself recently- I started to see that I was beginning to harbor some very dangerous thoughts and feelings. Feelings of resentment. Feelings of failure, and self-doubt, and the feeling that I was "cheated" somehow. These are all VERY dangerous feelings. If left unchecked, they could turn to bitter resentment. This is something that I DO. NOT. WANT! So I am fighting. I am fighting myself. I am fighting my thoughts. I am fighting for myself. And I will win. Because I have to.
I mentioned that changes were coming- well, changes have technically already begun. It started with a slight redecoration. I used to have a wall of postcards from friends in my room. It completely covered a huge segment of wall directly behind my computer screen. I LOVE postcards! I love getting mail! And every single one of those cards was from a friend who cared enough to send one- from so many corners of this beautiful globe!
There was just one small problem with this wall. After the initial thrill of getting one in the mail, once it was on the wall it started to feel more like a reminder of all the places I have never been able to visit. Traveling is something I have wanted to do my entire life. (To tell another little secret of life, traveling is one of the things that drew me to animation. When I would watch the old "Making Of" features on my favorite DVDs, I always loved the segments where the crew would talk about the trips they went on for inspiration on the films. My dream was to one day BE on one of those trips!) My family didn't travel much because of money. I guess the postcards were a way for me to live vicariously through my friends. But the negative feelings that emanated from that wall became unbearable.
So I tore it down.
Instead, I have started putting up inspirational art, drawings, sayings, and anything else I can find. A lot of these things actually date from my time at CalArts- stuff I used to have hanging in my cube. I still have some things from friends and family to remind me that I am loved.
That is just one of the changes. The second is that I have drawn practically every day since. I think I missed only one or two. It doesn't even matter if it's any "good" or not! But I will draw! I even drew while working at the Annie's this year- my fifth visit there. And the last three days have been the best yet. I have animated every day for the last three days. It's nothing special. I am literally going back to basics. I don't even care. I am refreshing my memory, I am rebuilding my skills, and I will go forward. I don't care what anyone thinks of me. I don't care if my classmates who graduated with me think that this is remedial, I don't care if kids 10+ years younger than me think it's stupid- this isn't about you. It's about me. And I am doing what I think I need to in order to get myself back to where I could be.
Another realization that came to me recently-- and this one is the worst-- is that there is NO ONE for me to blame for me being situated as I am. No one. The only one who has control over my life is Me. People love to try to blame someone else- ANYONE ELSE- for the things that have "happened" to them in their life, but really-- isn't it kind of their fault for not standing up and saying, "You know what? I don't really like this! I need to change that!". And THIS is why it is so hard to come to this realization: because the only one who WILL change it is me. ~I~ have to stop living and working myself to the bone on things that DO NOT MATTER and never drawing. ~I~ have to draw my hands off. ~I~ have to put together a reel to apply for the jobs I want. No one else will ever do that for me. No job will ever just MAGICALLY fall into my lap. (Perhaps at one point in my life they did- when I was very young... but not in THIS industry!)
I will admit, a very small sliver of me is panicked that people in the industry will read this and think less of me, but-- I have fallen so far from the industry at this point, I feel like I am starting all over again. I feel a little reborn. Granted, I need to find the tenacity and the motivation I had ten years ago to get my butt in gear, but-- I feel like the journey has started.
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